You know Eva Longoria? That sexy one from Desperate Housewives?

There is absolutely no story behind this picture, but Jesus, look at her. Self loathing has never been so sexy.

History's Greatest Monsters, Pt. III - The Black Eyed Peas

I'm raging I even have to write this to be honest; The Black Eyed Peas used to be decent, or at least a lot better than they are now!

The Black Eyed Peas are a prime example of a band who were making enough money to get by, but couldn't resist the sweet scent of the fat stacks of easy money they could reap from right under their noses. But how, you ask? Why, by pandering to idiots 'up in da club', of course!

After a successful career comeback with 'Where Is The Love?' in 2003, the group had made a comeback with new member Fergie in the ranks, and judging by the sales seemed to be stronger than ever. At the time, a rap-style sound was still infused into what they were doing, but it seems they've become more popular than ever while their music has become much, much worse. They have taken an absolute blatant nosedive into shit radio-friendly club music, purely for the sake of money in the past few years. Honestly, what the fuck is going on in this video?

As you can see, these aren't just any standard dance tunes; if you look at any time they're in the charts they're guaranteed to have the cheesiest slice of tripe there. They've collectively become more interested in making money instead of decent music. Worst of all, seeing as they've been doing this for the past several years, I imagine they're utterly unrepentant about it. And that's just bad craic.

I would'nt be so massively annoyed by this if it wasn't for the fact that they can't perform live, in any capacity whatsoever. Any live performance i've seen of them live has all of the band members singing out of key with zero enthuasiasm, with the audience still eating out of the palms of their hands anyway. It makes it twice as bad if you make terrible songs, and also make people pay an extravagant price to see you play your shit songs even worse. How do these absolute langers sleep at night?

So basically, for selling out in the highest degree and making shit tunes that annoy me to no end, my message to The Black Eyed Peas is this: you're history's greatest monsters. Go and fuck yourselves!

"Dozens of innocent people were just brutally murdered, but it wasn't any of your mates so it's grand!"

So I was listening to RTÉ Radio the other day, and it was running a report on the recent bombing and shooting massacre in Norway. This seemed normal enough; after all, this tragedy is the largest mass shooting in history, from a gunman with no prior criminal history killing what was primarily young boys (essentially children in some cases) in the second part of the attack. It wasn't until the final sentence when the anchorwoman changed to a much more reassuring tone that it really caught my attention. Does this not seem a bit strange and out of place to anyone else but me?

"So far, we can confirm that no Irish citizens have died in the attacks." 

It had me absolutely fucking raging - why does this have to be attached to the end of the story? I mean, sure, for the bombing in Oslo it's a possibility one could have been harmed, but the likelihood of an Irish person hanging about a boys summer camp on a remote island near Norway hopefully doesn't need to be pointed out to you. I understand that the media is attempting to make the story more relatable to a listener to attract their interest, and they've done this plenty of times before, but how or why that would possibly work baffles me. I certainly hope it doesn't anyway - the very idea that a listener would value an Irish life over any other foreign person just because they're not Irish makes me sick. Think of the amount of people who are killed every day in any other country the media doesn't want us to care about, but the instant an incident abroad involves an Irish person, the coverage goes into overdrive because suddenly people are reared to care.

The world according to RTÉ news

This isn't the first time I've had a massive pet peeve against the media - their fickle nature towards covering celebrites is another example of how bolloxed their moral compass can be. Jade Goody was made to be a villain in everything she did, until she was diagnosed with cancer and a complete 360 turn happened from them until she became a massive sympathy icon - like none of before had ever happened! I can't remember the last time Amy Winehouse was reported in the news before she died either for something positive or not about her being a mess, probably because there wasn't any. They operate as vampires, casting people in whatever light suits and sucking them dry until they need to get viewer attention someway else. I'd have a lot more respect for the news media if they didn't treat their audience like brainwashable goldfish, but to be honest it seems that's what most of them are. It just goes to show you how much the media desperately needs a re-evaluation when one woman who dies as a junkie basically of her own will gains an equal amount of sympathy to 76 whose lives were unexpectedly cut short by some absolute mentalist.

Tree-vis Bark-er

Greatest villains of all time: Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom – Con Air

“The last guy who told me to have patience, I burned him down and bagged his ashes.”

Meet Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom.

People don’t often acknowledge this, but Con Air is one of the greatest films ever made. The dialogue might be cheesy “Make a move and the bunny gets it!” There might be massive plot holes, clichés, and an absolutely ridiculous amount of unresolved deaths and property damage, but these things don’t matter when you have a cast of characters as great as Con Air. Best of all these unhinged yet colourful characters is the central villain, Cyrus Grissom. Cyrus (played by the lovably hateable John Malkovich), is the absolute poster boy for what villains should be like. He is 39, and has spent 25 years of his life in prison. During that time he has killed 11 other inmates, escaped twice and started three riots. He also earned a Bachelor’s Degree, followed by a Doctorate in Law during his time spent incarcerated. It is definitely the mark of a special villain when you would love to see a separate film made up from their life up to their breakout moment. 

Definitely an iconic moment in villain development.

The situation in Con Air is also perfect for creating a great villain, because the criminals on board the hijacked plane are all just about as desperate as they can get. Cyrus is on his way to a new super prison, from which his chances of escaping once again are non-existent, so he will do anything in order to evade capture. When it looks like Cyrus’ plans have been foiled however, his malicious insanity reasserts itself, and his last words to the protagonist Cameron Poe are “Before I kill you, Poe. I just wanted you to know the last thing that little Casey Poe ever gets to smell will be *my* *stinking* *breath*”. This is a badass line, and Cyrus is full of them. 

So evil, but takes the time to chill with his henchmen.

*Spoilers*

An over the top villain such as Cyrus needs a fitting death scene, without which the finale would be a serious anti-climax. After Cyrus being built up to be more and more evil as the film goes on, culminating with the promise to kill Poe’s eight year old daughter, the film delivers big time with his death scene. Building up with a great fight aboard a speeding fire truck, Poe manages to stab Cyrus in the foot, pinning him to the extending ladder/scaffold thing that fire trucks have. Cyrus looks up to see an overpass/glass walkway coming up, and he proceeds to smash through it, in a way that would kill a normal man ten times over. Not to be killed so easily however, Cyrus falls on a batch of live electrical wires, receiving the shocking of a lifetime. This doesn’t kill him either, and if anything just wakes him back up. He is untangled from these wires and falls onto a conveyor belt that drags him over to his final punishment, a huge machine that seems to have been sitting there smashing down with great force onto nothing. Cyrus of course, gets his head crushed by this machine, and thus ends in my opinion the life of one of the best villains ever created. 

Everyone should see this film at least once. A year. For life.

Action films could take a lesson from Cyrus, and if I ever get around to writing a film, you better believe it will be chock full of subtly stolen character traits from this all round fantastic villain. 

Mark your calendars! If you are a middle class, white man that is.

Did you know that July 16^th just passed was World Snake Day? Neither did I, I don’t think anyone did. It got me thinking though, and when I looked up international holidays I realised that I barely know a tenth of the holidays that occur each year. Some of the ideas are absolutely stupid too, because not only is there a World Snake Day, there is a World Animal Day, a World Farm Animals Day, and days for turtles, frogs, penguins and lizards. Why aren’t these all covered under World Animal Day? It had me raging for some reason, and it also made me realise that if I want to start an internationally renowned holiday (and I just realised that I do), then I’m going to have to do it soon, before all the days are given over to stupid, repetitive themes that no one even acknowledges. 

A day dedicated to AIDS? Slag off!

These are some of the holidays that are already on the calendar that you may or may not have heard of: 

·         Jan 30 World Leprosy Day

·         Mar 08 International Women’s Day

·         Mar 21 World Down Syndrome Day

·         May 21 World Day for Cultural Diversity

·         May 24 World Schizophrenia Day

·         Jun 16 International Day of the African Child

·         Jun 20 World Refugee Day

·         Aug 09 International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

·         Aug 13 International Lefthanders Day

·         Aug 23 International Day for the Remembrance of the Slave Trade & its Abolition

·         Oct 17 International Day for the Eradication of Poverty

·         Nov 25 International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

·         Dec 02 International Day for the Abolition of Slavery

Here at Kradz Newz we are all about interracial buddy comedies.

You know why this list annoys me? Because it has no representation whatsoever for those people who aren’t a minority, or disadvantaged in an obvious and widespread fashion. These days are all directed towards making people feel guilty, and I would be more than willing to do that if it meant that I would get the same appreciation once my day rolls around, but that never happens because I am not considered deserving of one. Middle class, right handed white people can’t gather together without causing an uproar, but if any other portion of society chooses to, then you are racist if you have an objection to it. This double standard bothers me in a big way, and I don’t want to be made guilty for being lucky in life. Therefore I have decided to name August 5^th - World middle class, right handed, non leper, white male day.

This is not us. It is just here to illustrate what we are not. NOT racist.

 

This day is not an excuse to gather and bash minorities, but rather to have some good clean, guilt free fun. The day should be dedicated to such pursuits as trading on the stock market, wearing suits, telling leper jokes, and eating vanilla ice cream and plain, white bread. People of other classes and ethnicities are of course welcome, but they should remain composed at all times, and not to be seen having too much fun, as of course this is the one day where they have nothing to celebrate. 

Probably the whitest show ever made.

So everyone stock up on mid priced snacks and snuggle up to watch their favourite season of Mad Men/Arrested Development/Midsummer Murders, because your new favourite holiday is almost here!

I Hate Hats

Hats have gone way too far nowadays. I'm not even talking about high end fashion Paris hats that are all mental and really abstract. I'm talking about the idea of the common hat taken and twisted to a horrible vision of its former self. Basically, could everyone who constantly wears one go fuck themselves? I don't really have a problem with people wearing one if its raining, or windy out and they want to protect their hair, or if they were born without the top of their head somehow and need some kind of horrific plastic dome hat to stay alive. I hate that kind of prick who walks around basically swaying their huge spa head with their hat they bought for a ridiculous price and pride themselves on how trendy they think they look, with their hat they identify themselves through. Why you gotta be like that, bro?

The antichrist of wearing hats and has me raging the most seems to be Bruno Mars. It used to be that prick who was the singer of that band Orson, but thankfully he seems to have gone and horribly died somewhere. Anyway, Bruno Mars is a massive thick, for the simple reason he has a perfectly good head of hair to identify himself with - why does he need to wear that stupid faux-sophisticated fedora - is it to prove something? Who the fuck does he think he is? I can safely say if I ever ran into him, i'd definitely thump the neck off him.

As you can see below, i've constructed a diagram of Bruno Mars in a ridiculous rainbow wig, which despite being by nature an item a clown wears to obtain lol's from small children he actually looks like LESS of a spa in that than his trademark hat of choice. I submit i've made my case quite clearly. Fuck hats.