History's Greatest Monsters, Pt. I - Tim Burton

I absolutely can't stand Tim Burton. Every few months I have to put up with his newest piece of kooky gothic CGI tripe starring Johnny Depp or/and his wife to offend my eyes and ears, while I stand and watch him being showered with accolades for the SAME FILM spewed from his vile gullet year after year. I’ve taken it upon myself to demonstrate and hopefully convert you as to why I hate him so much, as it seems whenever you ask people about him reactions range from 'OMG BEST DIRCTOR EVAR' to 'Hey, leave him alone, that one film he did was great!" (It wasn't: whichever one it is was shit).

First off, I want to make it clear I don't know a lot about films, so any part of this coming across with a degree of cinematic pretentiousness is not why I don’t like him. I've seen the same amount of films the average person has in their life (or possibly less), so I don't consider myself an expert - but I know a shoddy and lazy film when I see one. I doubt many film buffs hold this prick in a high regard anyway, so it doesn't really matter.  

Anyway, my belief is this: the biggest sign of an untalented director is one which rests on his laurels. You could see the first 20 seconds of any upcoming Tim Burton film and know that it’s his work straight away: after all, no other director debases themselves with such sellout repetition like he does. His genre is always a supernatural gothic setting, with the main plot device centering around romance, death or a mixture of both. The only exception I can think of directed by Burton is his remake of Planet of The Apes, which is so bad it deserves its own article anyway, so disregard it.

Burton also lazily employs the same actors in all of his identical films, knowing they work in the only genre he knows how to, and desperately need money as much as he does.  Before you point out that Quentin Tarantino does the same thing, at least Tarantino has the audacity to have virtually all of his films in different genres, even if they happen to feature the same actors. How does Johnny Depp keep getting scripts from Burton and not be bored out of his tree at making what is basically the same film? Sadly, it seems that both Burton and Deep finds themselves as too much of a shower of untalented hacks to collaborate into other genres.

They even look like a pair of wankers

Tim Burton fills a niche as a director pandering to preteen emo girls, at this point across two generations. Burton has been making his identical films since the late 80's for so long that his new generation of followers fail to notice the fat stacks of cash he reaped by doing the exact same thing he's been doing now a decade before. To demonstrate my point further, let’s have a look at his next two upcoming films, shall we?

**Dark Shadows (2012): "An upcoming supernatural drama film based on the 1960's gothic soap opera of the same name. The film is directed by Tim Burton and stars Johnny Depp as the vampire Barnabas Collins."
**Frankenweenie (2012): “A young boy who makes monster movies tries to bring his dog Sparky back to life after he has been hit by a car. Seven actors who previously worked with the director will rejoin him on this project providing the voices.”

Jesus Christ, does no-one else see that these are the same fucking films over and over!? Seriously, I never see anyone give out about him - why is he allowed to get away with this? Film making is an incredibly hard and thankless industry to make money in, and this balding Bono lookalike can just stroll in and create his life savings through the most shameless career path i've ever seen? - I can't justify him as anything but an absolute coward and a liar, and I truly hate him more than life itself for that.

And his wife is ROTTEN